Where to start. Let’s see, in a recent post, I mentioned the book, “This I believe”. When I started reading it, I planned to also write the essay. What would the one, single principle I believe in be the one I write about? Well, I’m not sure if this would be THE statement I’d choose to define me, but I would say it’s definitely in the top five.
What do I believe? I believe in trying on other peoples’ shoes.
To me, it’s important to put myself into other peoples’ shoes, if only for brief moment. It doesn’t matter whether it’s good news or bad news, a compliment or criticism. I am inherently conscientious of why or how another person might react to my actions, or other varying circumstances.
And maybe this is why I found this week’s VN adoption posts… er, um, should we say shockingly predictable? There’s been a lot going on in the adoption world this past week, and lots of talk. It seems it always goes back to the same “discussions”: ethics, little girls v. little boys, young, old, healthy, as quickly as possible, etc.
(Warning: Frustration ahead).
Honestly, I can understand and appreciate the different views that make these discussions possible, but I truly wish people would think about how their words might negatively affect others. I was reading the comments on a VVAI article, and felt HORRIBLE when I was done. (Just to be clear, I find VVAI a great endeavor and good resource for the adoption community). Maybe I’m too soft skinned, but I really don’t think so. Constructive discussion is ok, good actually. It’s the attacks and accusations that disappoint me. People are so aggressive on the boy v. girl argument, it becomes tiresome. But even if you don’t agree, not being able to understand why or at least respect why other people have made their decisions is sad to me. Aren’t we all entitled to an opinion?
After reading all of the 40+ comments on this particular article, some of these people actually started to make me feel guilty for being who I am (and not as a PAP, but as an adoptee). Which, honestly, I never thought was even possible! I always felt special and important because I knew my mom wanted a girl after having two (bio) boys. (Just to note, this is not the only reason she adopted, but is why she chose a girl). But the insensitive postings about how “evil” and “wrong” and “selfish” requesting a girl is, is obnoxious after awhile. Yes, I understand the argument and the points to be made, but enough is enough already. To constantly criticize families for requesting a girl (or boy) makes me —as an adoptee myself—personally, feel horrible inside. Like I am the result of a selfish, “evil” act or something. I. Am. A. Girl. Adopted. And Requested. Sorry. Should I be hated (and/or my family) because I am the product of a female-requested-adoption? I don’t think so, but some of the posts are so harshly worded, it certainly comes across that way. I don’t know if it was a specific post, or just the heated collection of everything I’ve read lately—I’m not sure. And I can’t really explain the feeling exactly, but I kinda think the fact I feel anything along these lines is a little disturbing, don’t you?
The irony here, is that in the same breath these people proclaim it’s their responsibility to the children. (yes, shock and awe). It’s all for the good of the children. We’re looking out for the children. We need to protect the children. The children need us to yell at and scold each other. The children, the children, the children…. sorry, but puke. I AM part of “the children” and I feel quite crappy from some of those posts! Do we think the only adopted children in this world are the ones that aren’t here yet? Do we think the ones that are here don’t read? Is it really in the best interest of the children that the screams (even with the best intentions) are so loud it overshadows the feelings of “the children” that are home? Please, please, take 2 seconds and put yourself in the shoes of other people in this community—adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, families considering adoption, adopted children, grown-up adopted children, and to-be adopted children that aren’t here yet, but may possibly stumble across your posts in the future, etc. Basically, think about every or any one that might read your words. Consider everyone that isn’t you, and how he/she might perceive these posts.
Now, just for the record, I have to say I’m a little disappointed in myself that I have even posted a sassy-type response re: the VN adoption community. I always wanted to avoid the drama. But this time I just felt so strongly about it, and personally offended, I couldn’t help myself. I just had to vent some of my frustration, disappointment, concern—and maybe enlighten the handful that read my blog to how these “shouting” angry words have affected at least this adult adoptee. I’m sorry, I don’t have the gusto to post this on the general boards (although I’d like to) but I just am not in the mood to be attacked, quite simply, for anything else right now. Don’t worry, I won’t be permanently scarred ;-) I just thought these forums were to help and learn and support, not to lecture and judge. I always hope to hear perspectives other than my own and learn from everyone else, but perhaps I anticipated calmer heads. I welcome the community to open my mind to other views and opinions. I just wish we could all be a little more accepting and understanding. No one wants to be attacked for sharing, having a question, using an un-PC term or just being new and not knowing.
What I believe is putting myself in other peoples’ shoes. I hope others might try the same every now and then and be a little more sensitive in their writings.
